Ugh, even though I knew my issues with food would be a life long struggle I didn’t really think I’d crash into them again anytime soon, not this year anyways. I couldn’t predict what would happen to me this year, so when I think about all the crap I’ve been dealing with… it actually makes a lot of sense to me that that it happened again.
FAILURE. Deep down I know I’m not one, but it’s a word I sometimes think a lot about when I see how poor my relationship with food has been lately. I have good and bad days, but it’s been a lot more bad than good and that’s why I knew something was wrong again.
I’ve been struggling with food since May. Why May? May is when I thought I’d be pregnant by. It was 5-6 months after we started trying and in my mind, I would be growing a human by then. As the months go on and more and more pregnancies get announced, I get more and more upset about my own situation. I’ve been letting the unhealthy thoughts run the show to help cope with my emotions because it’s emotion I’ve never experienced before and I just felt like I couldn’t even begin to try and fight them.
I feel like normally, this is the part where I’d expect someone else going through this to tell me they gained a bunch of weight and that’s how they knew something was wrong, but I haven’t. Weight wise, I weigh the exact same as I did earlier this year, when my relationship with food was going very well. I don’t know if that is a plus or not, I just know it’s fucked up that I’m in the same mental place that I was in at the beginning of the year. I constantly find myself thinking about how I’ve been binging during emotional moments, or to using food to cope with bad days. I’ve been masking my emotions with food and I’m over it.
I haven’t been parenting the unhealthy thoughts at all. I feel like I can only explain it as an out of body experience, like I’m watching myself slip away from afar. It’s like my authentic voice is very very very low, like a whisper you can barely hear. I feel that when my eating is disordered, it’s like my healthy thoughts/voice have been trapped behind a wall, screaming at the unhealthy thoughts to stop but wasn’t able to hear it.
Part of me knows that I’m in a better position than before because I am able to recognize this about myself a lot quicker than I ever have in the past. I’ll take that small win.
What am I going to do to be in control and let my voice shine through? I’m going to use the tools I learned in therapy. I’m going to parent the unhealthy thoughts and I’m not going to use food to cope with my emotions. I’m going to be more open when I find myself struggling and I’m going to talk more about my feelings so that I don’t feel like I’m drowning all the time.