the feelings I’m feeling

it’s 7:38 p.m. on a Saturday night and i’ve just yelled at my husband for not “getting it”, for not understanding how I feel, what my emotions have been like for me, and what i’m going through health wise. he keeps saying everything will be okay, but in my mind he doesn’t know that. I just can’t see the light at the end of this bullshit tunnel I’m currently in. I feel terrible for yelling at him, he didn’t do anything wrong. I feel like I just can’t contain the shitty feelings I have been struggling with.

I had a panic attack earlier this week. I’ve never had one, and never thought I ever would. I’ve seen my husband have them a few times, and heard them happening over the phone many times when he used to work up north in a extremely stressful environment. He has anxiety, and gets them quite frequently. His look lot different from what I experienced with my own.

Earlier this week, after coming home from running in too hot of weather, I had accidentally put motor oil into the transmission in our older vehicle. Once I realized I had grabbed the wrong bottle, I starting freaking out and immediately called one of my mechanically inclined brothers to tell him what happened. He said it wasn’t good, but that he should be able to fix it on the weekend. I went inside, told Lou what had happened through my dinosaur crying, and then went upstairs to shower. A big wave of emotions hit me while I was in there, I sat on the floor of the shower and started bawling my eyes out, screaming into my hands over and over and over, I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I felt completely out of control.

Last week, I realized how I’ve been mega stressed out the last few months. I was in denial about how much stress I’ve been under, but it all came to the surface in the last week. Before last week, I would have said “nope, not really stressed out” if you had asked me.

I am starting to think my stress is causing my cycles to be longer than ever before the last 3 months. I read that if our bodies know we are stressed out, it can cause you not to get your period, or can cause a late period. Since having an ultrasound, my doctor hasn’t called with any results or abnormal findings… which means “no news is good news” in a doctor’s world. Again this week, I have been experience some fuckery with my cycle, and have ZERO explanation for what is happening to me except that I am stressed beyond anything I have ever felt before.

I made a list of stuff that has been stressing me out:

  1. not being able to get pregnant
  2. my cycle and the randomness of it all of a sudden
  3. not knowing what in the fuck is going on in my own body
  4. my doctor not knowing what’s going on with me
  5. not feeling fulfilled with my current job, and the thought of looking for another job
  6. not feeling confident at my job
  7. my husband not having a permanent job, and not finding employment in a field he wants to work in (and the fact that he’s been trying for the past 1.5 years and nothing has come from it)
  8. that I will fall back into old, unhealthy eating habits because that’s been my response to stress for my entire life
  9. the thought that I’ll never be able to get pregnant

I’m not one to just think okay, my life sucks and this is just how it’s going to be so I have done the following things to try and be proactive and help myself:

  1. called my EAP (employee assistance program) via my work, it’s free and it’s the same program I used at the beginning of the year to get access to counselling services for my disordered eating. I told them I am stressed out and don’t know how to better deal with it. I have a phone session with someone in about 10 days in the evening, and I think she’s just going to try and give me some coping skills, and assess me to see if I may need more assistance. If they don’t offer me some more counselling sessions, I will be using my regular paid health benefits to get sessions on my own.
  2. I downloaded the meditation app, Headspace. I really like it, I am on day 4. I find it helps me relax my mind and stop the racing thoughts I have been having.
  3. I’ve reached out to a couple of friends, just to tell them how I have been feeling so I don’t feel alone.
  4. I’m signing up for a month of yoga, at a local studio, as they have a great $39/first month deal and it’s very close to home. I’ve always turned to yoga when I am feeling down or am going through something really hard in my life, and I know yoga will help with me being mindful in a time when my stress feels out of control.

Since my doctor hasn’t found anything, I am going to call her office and make another appointment with her. I want her to dig deeper, or send me to a specialist of some sort, so that’s on my to-do list for trying to take care of myself as well.

What do you do when you feel extremely stressed? Do you have any coping skills you can share with me?



3 Replies to “the feelings I’m feeling”

  1. I’ve started writing celebration lists at the end of each day in replace of “to do” lists. If makes me focus on what I’m grateful for and all the small wins we can sometimes overlook when we are stressed or overwhelmed. No matter how big or small, I write it down and I’m amazed how awesome it makes me feel. I do it before bed to really go to sleep on a positive note, and it sets a good tone for the rest of the day.


  2. Only just reading this now, but dang woman – that’s a lot! Good on you for being proactive about it and seeking out mechanisms to cope. I have no words of wisdom, just wanted to let you know I’ve been reading. 🙂 /hugs


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