struggling lately

I haven’t been blogging at all (since May 2, I think), as you maybe have noticed. My mind has been occupied with a lot right now, and I’m finally ready to share why.

It’s been 7 months.

7 months filled with: trying, charting, reading fertility/trying to conceive books, worrying, buying ovulation tests, buying pregnancy tests, getting to know my body and my cycle, frustrations, let downs, crying, stress, sadness, jealousy, side-eyeing, eye rolling, two week waits, doctor’s appointments, etc., and I am absolutely sick of holding it all in, and also kinda sick of the dumb stuff that comes out of people’s mouths.

There, I said it: I am trying to get pregnant, and it’s not happening and I’m allowed to be right pissed about it!

A few close friends know that we’ve been trying, but that’s it.

I hate that it’s some kind of secret, that people who are actively trying to get pregnant shouldn’t tell anyone because it might make people around them weird or uncomfortable (or say stupid stuff, which I will save for another soon to be blog post)

The people with infertility struggles, we’ve got it the worst. No one talks about how hard it is on you and your partner when you don’t get pregnant. No one talks about how shitty it is to realize you may not be able to get pregnant naturally and may have to start thinking about IVF (which is HELLLLLLLA expensive).

I am sick of not talking about the struggle we are going through, even if no one else wants to share their struggle, which I 100% respect, but I also feel like me not talking about it adds to the stigma regarding infertility.

Are you thinking “only 7 months? she has nothing to worry about, you’re supposed to try for a year before you start to stress out”, well you are a) not my doctor and b) wrong. you don’t know anyone’s medical history unless they’ve told you, hell they might not even know what is going on medically with them.

you don’t know that at the age of 22, I was told by a gynecologist that my tubes were “garbage” after doing a laparoscopy (which was needed due to scar tissue forming at the site of an infection from pelvic inflammatory disease (PID) stemming from a sexual assault earlier that year) and that I’d never get pregnant naturally and to contact his office two years before I wanted to get pregnant so I could get on the loooong IVF waiting list.

you also don’t know that I had a miscarriage in early 2011, though that pregnancy was definitely not planned, it did, in my eyes, prove that the Gyno I had was an insensitive asshole and also WRONG about me getting pregnant naturally, so screw him!

My family doctor, acupuncturist and naturopath all believe I am healthy (and I have had all the necessary, normal, routine tests done in regards to me wanting to get pregnant) and will be able to get pregnant naturally, which allows me to believe the same as well. BUT a small part of me wonders if something is wrong because 7 months is a long time when you know your body as well as I feel I do, especially since we’ve started trying to conceive. I am doing everything right. I know when I ovulate, I track my BBT (temperature upon waking), I know it all and still, I am disappointed every month when I get a negative pregnancy test.

Once we hit 6 months of trying and it not resulting in a pregnancy, I started to get mad, annoyed, sad, whatever you wanna call it. It sucks, and you really don’t know how it feels unless you have been through it. It is a gross, consuming feeling for me because I am usually a positive person but the last couple of months have been wearing me out.

I’ve recently had a few things pop up (health wise) that don’t make sense. My cycle has been about 9-10 days late the last few months, and I’ve started to get mid-cycle spotting. Since these things aren’t normal for me, it is concerning.  My doctor sent me for a ultrasound today (both kinds ha!, females probably know what I mean), the ultrasound was to hopefully make sure I don’t have any polyps or cysts that I don’t know about, so I basically have to wait and see if my doctor has any news for me when she gets the results, otherwise there will be no clear explanation as to why my cycle has been screwed up.

Anyways, I think I am going to continue writing about our struggle to knock me up, it feels good to get all of this off my chest and into the world and community around me.

* re: the sexual assault, I am 100% fine and have more than moved on from it. I worked with vulnerable women in the inner-city at that time and had experience in dealing with the aftermath of sexual assault and the way they can make the victim feel. I made sure to go to counseling at SACE as soon as possible and was totally OK soon after a couple sessions.

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