the feelings I’m feeling

it’s 7:38 p.m. on a Saturday night and i’ve just yelled at my husband for not “getting it”, for not understanding how I feel, what my emotions have been like for me, and what i’m going through health wise. he keeps saying everything will be okay, but in my mind he doesn’t know that. I just can’t see the light at the end of this bullshit tunnel I’m currently in. I feel terrible for yelling at him, he didn’t do anything wrong. I feel like I just can’t contain the shitty feelings I have been struggling with.

I had a panic attack earlier this week. I’ve never had one, and never thought I ever would. I’ve seen my husband have them a few times, and heard them happening over the phone many times when he used to work up north in a extremely stressful environment. He has anxiety, and gets them quite frequently. His look lot different from what I experienced with my own.

Earlier this week, after coming home from running in too hot of weather, I had accidentally put motor oil into the transmission in our older vehicle. Once I realized I had grabbed the wrong bottle, I starting freaking out and immediately called one of my mechanically inclined brothers to tell him what happened. He said it wasn’t good, but that he should be able to fix it on the weekend. I went inside, told Lou what had happened through my dinosaur crying, and then went upstairs to shower. A big wave of emotions hit me while I was in there, I sat on the floor of the shower and started bawling my eyes out, screaming into my hands over and over and over, I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I felt completely out of control.

Last week, I realized how I’ve been mega stressed out the last few months. I was in denial about how much stress I’ve been under, but it all came to the surface in the last week. Before last week, I would have said “nope, not really stressed out” if you had asked me.

I am starting to think my stress is causing my cycles to be longer than ever before the last 3 months. I read that if our bodies know we are stressed out, it can cause you not to get your period, or can cause a late period. Since having an ultrasound, my doctor hasn’t called with any results or abnormal findings… which means “no news is good news” in a doctor’s world. Again this week, I have been experience some fuckery with my cycle, and have ZERO explanation for what is happening to me except that I am stressed beyond anything I have ever felt before.

I made a list of stuff that has been stressing me out:

  1. not being able to get pregnant
  2. my cycle and the randomness of it all of a sudden
  3. not knowing what in the fuck is going on in my own body
  4. my doctor not knowing what’s going on with me
  5. not feeling fulfilled with my current job, and the thought of looking for another job
  6. not feeling confident at my job
  7. my husband not having a permanent job, and not finding employment in a field he wants to work in (and the fact that he’s been trying for the past 1.5 years and nothing has come from it)
  8. that I will fall back into old, unhealthy eating habits because that’s been my response to stress for my entire life
  9. the thought that I’ll never be able to get pregnant

I’m not one to just think okay, my life sucks and this is just how it’s going to be so I have done the following things to try and be proactive and help myself:

  1. called my EAP (employee assistance program) via my work, it’s free and it’s the same program I used at the beginning of the year to get access to counselling services for my disordered eating. I told them I am stressed out and don’t know how to better deal with it. I have a phone session with someone in about 10 days in the evening, and I think she’s just going to try and give me some coping skills, and assess me to see if I may need more assistance. If they don’t offer me some more counselling sessions, I will be using my regular paid health benefits to get sessions on my own.
  2. I downloaded the meditation app, Headspace. I really like it, I am on day 4. I find it helps me relax my mind and stop the racing thoughts I have been having.
  3. I’ve reached out to a couple of friends, just to tell them how I have been feeling so I don’t feel alone.
  4. I’m signing up for a month of yoga, at a local studio, as they have a great $39/first month deal and it’s very close to home. I’ve always turned to yoga when I am feeling down or am going through something really hard in my life, and I know yoga will help with me being mindful in a time when my stress feels out of control.

Since my doctor hasn’t found anything, I am going to call her office and make another appointment with her. I want her to dig deeper, or send me to a specialist of some sort, so that’s on my to-do list for trying to take care of myself as well.

What do you do when you feel extremely stressed? Do you have any coping skills you can share with me?



struggling lately

I haven’t been blogging at all (since May 2, I think), as you maybe have noticed. My mind has been occupied with a lot right now, and I’m finally ready to share why.

It’s been 7 months.

7 months filled with: trying, charting, reading fertility/trying to conceive books, worrying, buying ovulation tests, buying pregnancy tests, getting to know my body and my cycle, frustrations, let downs, crying, stress, sadness, jealousy, side-eyeing, eye rolling, two week waits, doctor’s appointments, etc., and I am absolutely sick of holding it all in, and also kinda sick of the dumb stuff that comes out of people’s mouths.

There, I said it: I am trying to get pregnant, and it’s not happening and I’m allowed to be right pissed about it!

A few close friends know that we’ve been trying, but that’s it.

I hate that it’s some kind of secret, that people who are actively trying to get pregnant shouldn’t tell anyone because it might make people around them weird or uncomfortable (or say stupid stuff, which I will save for another soon to be blog post)

The people with infertility struggles, we’ve got it the worst. No one talks about how hard it is on you and your partner when you don’t get pregnant. No one talks about how shitty it is to realize you may not be able to get pregnant naturally and may have to start thinking about IVF (which is HELLLLLLLA expensive).

I am sick of not talking about the struggle we are going through, even if no one else wants to share their struggle, which I 100% respect, but I also feel like me not talking about it adds to the stigma regarding infertility.

Are you thinking “only 7 months? she has nothing to worry about, you’re supposed to try for a year before you start to stress out”, well you are a) not my doctor and b) wrong. you don’t know anyone’s medical history unless they’ve told you, hell they might not even know what is going on medically with them.

you don’t know that at the age of 22, I was told by a gynecologist that my tubes were “garbage” after doing a laparoscopy (which was needed due to scar tissue forming at the site of an infection from pelvic inflammatory disease (PID) stemming from a sexual assault earlier that year) and that I’d never get pregnant naturally and to contact his office two years before I wanted to get pregnant so I could get on the loooong IVF waiting list.

you also don’t know that I had a miscarriage in early 2011, though that pregnancy was definitely not planned, it did, in my eyes, prove that the Gyno I had was an insensitive asshole and also WRONG about me getting pregnant naturally, so screw him!

My family doctor, acupuncturist and naturopath all believe I am healthy (and I have had all the necessary, normal, routine tests done in regards to me wanting to get pregnant) and will be able to get pregnant naturally, which allows me to believe the same as well. BUT a small part of me wonders if something is wrong because 7 months is a long time when you know your body as well as I feel I do, especially since we’ve started trying to conceive. I am doing everything right. I know when I ovulate, I track my BBT (temperature upon waking), I know it all and still, I am disappointed every month when I get a negative pregnancy test.

Once we hit 6 months of trying and it not resulting in a pregnancy, I started to get mad, annoyed, sad, whatever you wanna call it. It sucks, and you really don’t know how it feels unless you have been through it. It is a gross, consuming feeling for me because I am usually a positive person but the last couple of months have been wearing me out.

I’ve recently had a few things pop up (health wise) that don’t make sense. My cycle has been about 9-10 days late the last few months, and I’ve started to get mid-cycle spotting. Since these things aren’t normal for me, it is concerning.  My doctor sent me for a ultrasound today (both kinds ha!, females probably know what I mean), the ultrasound was to hopefully make sure I don’t have any polyps or cysts that I don’t know about, so I basically have to wait and see if my doctor has any news for me when she gets the results, otherwise there will be no clear explanation as to why my cycle has been screwed up.

Anyways, I think I am going to continue writing about our struggle to knock me up, it feels good to get all of this off my chest and into the world and community around me.

* re: the sexual assault, I am 100% fine and have more than moved on from it. I worked with vulnerable women in the inner-city at that time and had experience in dealing with the aftermath of sexual assault and the way they can make the victim feel. I made sure to go to counseling at SACE as soon as possible and was totally OK soon after a couple sessions.