Since my appointment last week, I have become hyperaware of myself and my thoughts around food. I am constantly pausing when an unhealthy thought comes to mind. I have been parenting the shit out of those thoughts, and haven’t binged since. That doesn’t mean the unhealthy thoughts are gone, they’re ALWAYS there. Constantly poking at me, telling me to eat ALL THE THINGS. I asked my therapist, Brian, something I had been thinking about since we first met: will I have these unhealthy thoughts the rest of my life? He said yes, they’ll always be there but they will become less and less loud overtime, and you will hold the power over them because you have started to replace those unhealthy thoughts with healthier ones. I am the boss, I am in charge. That is an affirmation I have been telling myself, and I’m feeling pretty damn powerful.
Last week, Brian told me that Cognitive Behavioural Therapy could be used in all aspects of my life. Since getting a better grip on my beliefs around food, I have become more and more aware about other aspects in my life that are not serving me. A huge revelation has come about in the last week, and that is my relationship with money. I met with Brian yesterday, and told him about what I had discovered. I realized my relationship with food is very similar to my relationship with money. I am constantly buying unnecessary things to make myself feel better if: I am down, had a stressful day, I feel like I “deserve” it, when I am bored. I am in a state of constantly paying my credit card balance off. That sounds good because it’s paid off each month, but that also ends up leaving me with no money in my bank account. While I don’t have debt, besides a mortgage, I also lack any sort of savings and this is not okay for me and it’s not how I want to live my life. It’s a vicious cycle and I am DONE with it.
I have thought about why I am this way, and my unhealthiest thoughts around money likely come from growing up poor. My mom was a single mom, with three kids. She didn’t have much financial support and was always working to support us all. She herself is not great with money, so we didn’t pick up any money skills from her. My dad, who I would say is better with money, never educated us. It’s like money is a taboo subject for him. I would say their own money issues stem back from their own childhood, but that’s not my story so I will just leave it there.
My thoughts around food and money come from a place of NOT ENOUGH. I eat in fear that I am not enough, or I spend more than I should because I feel I don’t have enough. Since working with Brian, I realized these are OLD, unhealthy thoughts that I need to replace with NEW, healthier thoughts.
This is my next step in becoming my authentic self. I want to let go of old, unhealthy habits, and replace them with new ones.
I will say that having a money conscious spouse has taught me a great deal, but I am also stubborn as shit and have always viewed my money as MY money, and I can do what I want with it. He has respected that, but MY way is getting me and us NOWHERE! We have our own bank accounts (highly recommend this), and we have a joint account for our monthly payments. I am still figuring out the best way for me to budget my money, and allow myself to come up with a good amount of savings, and emergency savings. I will start small, and work my way to a bigger goal. I definitely have some work to do.
What about you guys, do you struggle with money too? Do you have any tips for me?